Hi guys,
I’m going to stop blogging. Something about it no longer feels right to me.
Initially I thought it was fear of exposure (which is true, I do fear it). But its more than that. Its because I’m finding it difficult to draw the line between secrecy and privacy. I want some privacy. I don’t want to live completely open. Of course I have questions (not to mention issues) surrounding these things, but at the moment, the fact that I don’t like it is enough for me. I don’t need/want to evaluate it further.
I have been using this blog as a life line. As a way to give myself space to exist somewhere as freely as possible. Words do help me do that. But in doing so, I have also made it my hole (for lack of a better word). My little nook I can always crawl into so that I don’t have to go outside and actually LIVE freely… because I already have a place I can do that. Right here.
Something tells me that life isn’t going to happen here. I need my love for my life (wow… I love my life…!) to actually physically manifest itself in reality, rather than in the poet’s dream.
It is true what they say: writers have an inexplicably obsessive need to document every part of their life. I suffer from/celebrate that existence.That’s not to say I will stop writing. I will continue to write and document every puny thought that enters, exits, and dances in this beautiful mind of mine,every chance I get. But it won’t be in an open forum like this. I don’t think I’m quite ready for it yet. I haven’t lived enough (can you ever live enough?), and what I have lived I am not ready to put into public view.
One day I will be.
I have a reason to.
You see, this is for my future children, so that they will remember me. Isn’t that strange? I am nowhere near that. And, my God, the idea that they should have to remember me… I shudder at the thought. I may not even have children! You never know how life turns out. So against all my better judgement and rational thinking and knowing that you can’t really plan anything in this life… ultimately, my writing I do for my kids.
Fuck. (Yes, Mommy swears) I feel exposed for writing that.
Kids, I hope you’re doing exactly what you want to do right now-in life in general, obviously not right this instant! Not this instant because I know at this exact moment, I’m forcing you to read this whilst standing over your shoulder as Daddy is standing at the kitchen door looking at me in despair because the oven is on fire.
I bet I’m even making you read it out loud.
So… last thing. I love my life. I hope that you love yours too. I hope you live it both faster and slower than I have done mine.
I hope it is yours and yours alone.
And I hope you collect wonderful stories. Have you?
I know I plan to. I know I plan to share them someday.
Love. Love. Love.
And love to anyone whose been reading me. Its been great fun.
Love.
